Thursday, July 19, 2012
Before I start, I just want to let you all know this post has been something I have wanted to write for a long time, and have just now finally got the guts to do. Writing about this topic is very difficult for me, so forgive me if I seem a bit all over the place. Also, these thoughts are my own and I don't expect everyone to agree with me. :)
Growing up, I never put an ounce of thought into faith, God, or whether I believed in him or not. I didn't go to church, and I didn't pray. My parents raised me in a non-influential way, and I wouldn't change it for anything. If I found faith at a young age and wanted to go to church, or if I said I don't believe in something you can't see, it's not possible, my parents would have supported me either way. The only thing they wanted was for me to figure it out for myself, and to be happy. I am so grateful that they raised me the way they did, and will do the same for my children.
It wasn't until about 3 years ago that thoughts of "what is?" started trickling into my head, and then, about a year ago I really needed to know. I felt like there had to be something, some sort of sign, of proof that could solidify everything for me. So... I searched. I researched and read, asked questions and talked about it to people close to me. I remember asking Raymond what the defining moment was when he knew he truly believed. I wont share what he told me, not because it's anything crazy, but because that's his business to share, not mine. With that being said, still... I couldn't figure it out for myself. I'd never had anything happen to me that made me believe.
A lot of people say the Bible is just a bunch of stories made up by someone. I've always believed that even the "stories" or myths or legends are all derived some somewhere. They all came from some form of truth and maybe they have been manipulated a little (or a lot) and twisted and exaggerated, but the ideas, the beginnings all come from some where/thing that did happen. That's when I knew. One day, I just knew. It was weird... and can't really even be explained, but I just knew. And it felt so good.
Raymond and I have been together for almost 5 years and have only been living together for about a year now. I will be the first person to say, there have absolutely been times in our relationship when I thought we weren't going to make it. There were times when I felt like the next step was never going to happen. I mean c'mon! I'm a girl for crying out loud... I need decisions to made and moves to be happening! One night (during a rough patch) I was laying in bed with thoughts and questions running through my head. Where we going to make it? That was the first night I ever prayed. I needed answers and guidance. That next morning I woke up from a dream that was so clear and vivid. I dreamt that Raymond and I were married, and he was in the garage working on something. I had been out running errands all day, and was arriving home. I was walking up the driveway, and all of a sudden the two most beautiful little girls about 3 and 4 years old, ran right past me yelling "DADDDDY!!!!" Those were our little girls, and that was our future.
Okay, so maybe we won't have two girls... maybe we wont even have one. Who knows? We wont until it happens, but that was my defining moment in finding my faith. I had begged for an answer, prayed for guidance... and He delivered.
I wont lie and say that I haven't questioned things since then, but I quickly find my answers and my thoughts and questions become peace.
I want to share something my Pepa wrote on his FB one day. This quote is another one of the things that really made me understand why people believe....
"I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die and find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't, and die and find out there is..."
And with that... if you're searching like I was and still am, my only advice to is ask and you shall receive!