Starving...

... for the Lord that is.

With life so crazy lately, I haven't found enough time to spend with God. Not time to do anything out of the ordinary, just time to talk to him. [Reading back over this-- what an awful excuse that is. What I should have said is that I haven't made the time.]

We all do it. Life gets busy, hectic, and stressful and we become way too busy worrying about what we're going to do about situation this or that. When all we really need to do is just let it go. A few weeks ago I met with a small group of ladies that I am going to be joining consistently for a book study. One of the girls mentioned [that girl is Ruthie... yes of The Chronicles of Ruthie Hart, and yes, I know her in real life] something that keeps surfacing to the front of my mind. She said something along the lines of "...take that list of difficulties, frustrations, etc., crumple it up, and give it to God." How true is that? When you can't handle anymore, He is there to take over!

Like I said before, my life lately has been all of the above. Today I sit here writing this post and can't help but notice that I am starving, craving, and begging for the Lord to come into my life. I wish I could sit peacefully in my room all day, just talking to him.

Unfortunately we have bills to pay, work to be done, and a home to clean. Fortunately beginning in November, our small group will be reading and discussing Esther- It's Tough Being a Woman by Beth Moore.

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Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman by Beth Moore provides a personal study experience five days a week plus viewer guides for the group video sessions of this in-depth women's Bible study of Esther - a profile in courage. Join Beth in a very personal examination of this great story of threat and deliverance as she peels back the layers of history and shows how very contemporary and applicable the story of Esther is to our lives today. If you've ever felt inadequate, threatened, or pushed into situations that seemed overpowering, this is the Bible study for you. Just as it was tough being a woman in Esther's day, it's tough today. This portion of God's Word contains treasures to aid us in our hurried, harried, and pressured lives.

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I'm not sure what this book has in store for me. I don't know that it is exactly what my life is craving right now. I do have faith that it will speak to me, and am praying that it moves me the way it has others. Whatever it may be that it does to me, I know my life will only be brightened by studying the words of God and I am so excited to start this journey with and learn from some amazing God-fearing women!

He Is Real

The past few months have been trying for me [and my honey]. In June, the boys started school. This meant that my hours were sliced in more than just half. They went from 45 to 20. While I knew this was coming, I had no luck finding another job.

With no other choice, my sweet, amazingly wonderful boyfriend said that he would take care of me for the two months that the kiddos were in their summer program for, and I would find a job by then. Well, those two months have come and gone.

August rolled around, I had been on a few interviews, and unfortunately the cards were never dealt in my favor. Luckily, I had four weeks that the boys were out of school, and was able to bump back up to full time.

-Week one, I needed to have surgery

-Week two, I had a blow out and had to buy new tires [goodbye $400 for TWO tires]

-Week three, playing catch up from the previous 2.5 months

-Week four, still playing catch up and our Labor Day trip [$$$]

Other miscellaneous issues included having my wound reopen and having to drive back and fourth over an hour to the hospital where I had surgery, registrations and inspections went out on both vehicles, and a plethora of other expensive curve balls that life throws at us all. Raymond was out of work last week with a toothache, rent is due this week, and I just dropped almost $100 at the Vet.

There I sat, upset, sad, confused, angry and asking why? Why can't I find a job? Why can't we finally just be comfortable? When will the struggle stop? After many days and nights of silent prayers, an entire day filled with back-to-back annoyances and issues for Raymond, I lost it.

Right now I'm feeling like things can't get worse. Now, I know they always could, but everything is so overwhelming right now. I'm ready for things to get back to normal and to finally stop struggling.

These are the times that I really am thankful that I decided to explore my faith and see what was out there. Nothing can overcome His power. He has a plan. He is good. He is real.

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Blessed

I'm going to be completely honest here, y'all. Today, I was totally planning to write a post about all of the things I'm unhappy with in my life [there aren't many].

What I was going to tell you:

+ I'm tired of living in a third story apartment with a dog and that I cannot wait to finally find a house with a yard where Guero can run wild.
+ I wish I had the time and extra money to decorate a new home.
+ My blog needs a make over badly.
+ I wish I could buy a DSLR camera to be able to take better quality photos.
+ My social life is lacking lately due to my work schedule.
+ I'm still not healed from my surgery and I'm dreading what the outcome may be.

What I am actually going to tell you:

+ I am blessed to have not just a place to live, but a nice place to call home.
+ I am starting a new [old] job and will earn the money to go to school, where I will then earn more money to buy and decorate the home we want.
+ I can still write out my feelings without a perfectly designed blog.
+ I have a digital camera that takes decent enough pictures for now.
+ I can make more time for friends, family, and fun.
+ I can and will heal and everything will be fine.

Clearly, I was going to give myself a pity party today.. and I kind of still did. That being said, I saw a wonderful quote on twitter and it put me in check, real quick.

"God is not likely to reveal more to you until you've responded to what He has already revealed."

I keep asking God for this and for that, but I forget to thank Him for what I already have-- I beautiful family, boyfriend, friends, home, vehicle, job, the opportunity to go to school to get what I truly want in life, and much much more.

Yesterday on my way home from work, I saw a homeless man standing on the corner of the road, wearing hospital clothes, covered in bandages with a smashed in face layered with scrapes, cuts and bruises. He looked sad and he looked alone. My heart ached. I tried my best to not look at him, and it was one of the times that I scrounged my entire car for any change I had, but found none. So instead I prayed for him. Maybe he is a bad man, maybe he asked someone to rough him up for sympathy. Who knows, but either way I asked God to heal him and help lead him down the right path. A good path.

In that moment I remembered that quote, and thanked God that that wasn't me. Not only did I just thank Him, but I was truly happy with what I have.

Have you counted your blessings lately??

Choices

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My entire life I have been a relatively happy person. Growing up, I cannot really remember much about my life that wasn't good. [Other than being a kid-- when everything isn't fair and life just sucks.] I have recently come to realize that there were a few [two] years of my life that I was never happy. From the age of  19-21, my life sucked. Now, when I say that, not everything sucked. I had friends, family, and Raymond, but I was also in a job that I hated, was learning who my real friends were, and had more than one hiccup in my relationship.

Not a day went by at work that I didn't curse the people around me for being [in my eyes] ignorant. I would go to work, do my job, bitch about it, then go home and be miserable for the rest of evening until I had to wake up and do it all again. I remember one of my managers telling me that they had performed our employee evaluations for the quarter, and he told me that the consensus for me was that "I had an attitude". I couldn't believe it. Me? No way! I was always the quiet, polite, don't step on toes kind of girl.

Then it hit me. I in fact, did have an attitude. And a bad one it was. I was so completely embarrassed and felt like I had let myself down. It was that moment that I realized where this bratty like behavior was stemming from. I worked with a girl that considered herself to be a "bad bitch". She was rude, snarky, wild, and basically didn't give a rat's you-know-what about anyone but herself [or so she pretended]. I wont entirely blame her for my issues, but it was in that moment that I realized how much a person can rub off on another. Before I worked with her, I was happy. I didn't complain about stupid little things, and let the small stuff roll of my shoulders. After working and talking with her every single day for months, I began to take on her life outlook. And boy I'll tell ya, it was a crappy one.

From that day, I realized life was about choices. You are the only person that can make yourself truly happy. The choices you make are the choices that will decide your fate in this world. It is plain and simple, you and God decide the road you will travel down.

Since realizing what a crap-tastic person I had become, my choices in life have changed. I have decided to do what makes me happy, because unless you can do that for yourself, you will never be able to make someone else smile. God has the road mapped out, and it's up to you to choose which turn to make.

In the words of Sheryl Crow, "If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?"

Crash

Every night on my drive home from work, before I get onto the highway (35 for you locals) I take a peek and see what traffic is like. Being that I typically work until 6:30, it isn't too bad. Unfortunately last night... it was bumper to bumper for as far as the eye could see. My first thought? "Dang it, there is a wreck and it's going to cause me to sit here all evening when I could be home with my lovies."

Turns out I was right. There was a wreck... on the OPPOSITE side of the highway. So why was the North bound side of the highway at a stand still? The answer: Because the wreck was so bad that the fire department had to use both sides of the highway to get to the injured people. As I drove past the wreck I couldn't help but see at least 6 cars that were involved crushed to pieces. Some just had the bumper pushed in, others were missing the entire back half.

I saw a man just sitting in the driver's seat with his head back, waiting for the whole thing to end. Another woman whose brand-spankin' new car had done a complete 90 degree turn into the concrete wall dividing the North and South lanes sitting in her seat talking to an officer balling her eyes out. Another woman behind her, laying on a stretcher with her neck stabilized. And then at least 3 more cars behind them... all involved.

My heart immediately sank and I felt tears well up in my eyes. Right then I said a prayer and asked God that he take care of every single person involved. The next thought I had was that I was the biggest B alive. How could I complain about getting home later than usual while these people aren't getting to go home now at all. So there I sat comfortably in my car, thanking Him that I was on my way home to my loved ones while these people were being hauled off to the hospital.

I quickly then reminded myself that driving is a privilege that we all take for granted and think we are the best at. I don't care who you are, how well you think you can drive, one small mistake and you could be crushed to pieces. I will be the first to admit that when I find out there is a wreck up ahead I curse the thought of it.

In February of 2011, I got in a wreck (my first and only). I was going 70 mph on the same highway and while I had enough time to slow down enough to where I didn't get hurt, I was still going fast enough for my car to be considered totalled and the air bags to deploy. If you have never been in a wreck, know that it is one of the scariest things to have to deal with. I was balling my eyes out and was so shaken up I wasn't sleeping well for a week. Thoughts of it just kept running through my head and kept me tossing and turning wondering "what if I would have been paying better attention?"

The whole point of this post is to just remind us all that car accidents are called accidents for a reason. Nobody wants to get in one, nobody means to get in one, and nobody wants to be stuck behind one. Just remember the next time you're waiting in traffic due to one, say a little prayer for the people involved rather than curse them. I know that's what I'll be doing.

Now What?

If you read along regularly (thank you, so so much!), then you know that I am on a journey to finding my faith. Before I could write about my struggles, doubts, and questions, it took me a long time to find the correct words. Heck, I was sharing some of my deepest thoughts with you all... that's scary! Of course, after I hit publish and there was no turning back, the weight of world had been lifted from my shoulders. Then when the texts, messages, comments, tweets, etc. came rolling in, I felt like a new person. Your sweet and thoughtful words brought me to tears (of happiness of course).

Well, now that it has been a few weeks since I wrote that post, I have kind of felt like I am at a stand still. I put so much effort and thought into "how am I going to word this so that I can tell everyone how I feel?" I spent so much time wondering what the best way was to say every thing so that I wouldn't feel judged or looked at like I was crazy. Now that all of the time I would have spent worrying is free, I'm not sure where to go from there. How do I further my journey to finding what I'm looking for?

I don't feel like I am (or if I will ever be) ready to go to church. Is there something I should be reading? How does one learn about their faith without being born into a family with an already solidified religion? I want to find what I am searching for without losing who I am in the process. I don't want anything to be forced upon me, but to just come naturally. Maybe there is nothing I should be doing at all, other than simply just believing. So until I find what I am looking for, I'll just continue on with what I am doing... and that's praying.

I would love to hear any about any struggles/journies any of you have ever faced or are facing now. Inspiration can be found in anyone's story so I am all ears. With that, I will leave you with a song that is one of my favorites right now...

Finding Faith

Before I start, I just want to let you all know this post has been something I have wanted to write for a long time, and have just now finally got the guts to do. Writing about this topic is very difficult for me, so forgive me if I seem a bit all over the place. Also, these thoughts are my own and I don't expect everyone to agree with me. :)

Growing up, I never put an ounce of thought into faith, God, or whether I believed in him or not. I didn't go to church, and I didn't pray. My parents raised me in a non-influential way, and I wouldn't change it for anything. If I found faith at a young age and wanted to go to church, or if I said I don't believe in something you can't see, it's not possible, my parents would have supported me either way. The only thing they wanted was for me to figure it out for myself, and to be happy. I am so grateful that they raised me the way they did, and will do the same for my children.

It wasn't until about 3 years ago that thoughts of "what is?" started trickling into my head, and then, about a year ago I really needed to know. I felt like there had to be something, some sort of sign, of proof that could solidify everything for me. So... I searched. I researched and read, asked questions and talked about it to people close to me. I remember asking Raymond what the defining moment was when he knew he truly believed. I wont share what he told me, not because it's anything crazy, but because that's his business to share, not mine. With that being said, still... I couldn't figure it out for myself. I'd never had anything happen to me that made me believe.

A lot of people say the Bible is just a bunch of stories made up by someone. I've always believed that even the "stories" or myths or legends are all derived some somewhere. They all came from some form of truth and maybe they have been manipulated a little (or a lot) and twisted and exaggerated, but the ideas, the beginnings all come from some where/thing that did happen. That's when I knew. One day, I just knew. It was weird... and can't really even be explained, but I just knew. And it felt so good.

Raymond and I have been together for almost 5 years and have only been living together for about a year now. I will be the first person to say, there have absolutely been times in our relationship when I thought we weren't going to make it. There were times when I felt like the next step was never going to happen. I mean c'mon! I'm a girl for crying out loud... I need decisions to made and moves to be happening! One night (during a rough patch) I was laying in bed with thoughts and questions running through my head. Where we going to make it? That was the first night I ever prayed. I needed answers and guidance. That next morning I woke up from a dream that was so clear and vivid. I dreamt that Raymond and I were married, and he was in the garage working on something. I had been out running errands all day, and was arriving home. I was walking up the driveway, and all of a sudden the two most beautiful little girls about 3 and 4 years old, ran right past me yelling "DADDDDY!!!!" Those were our little girls, and that was our future.

Okay, so maybe we won't have two girls... maybe we wont even have one. Who knows? We wont until it happens, but that was my defining moment in finding my faith. I had begged for an answer, prayed for guidance... and He delivered.

I wont lie and say that I haven't questioned things since then, but I quickly find my answers and my thoughts and questions become peace.

I want to share something my Pepa wrote on his FB one day. This quote is another one of the things that really made me understand why people believe....

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die and find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't, and die and find out there is..."

And with that... if you're searching like I was and still am, my only advice to is ask and you shall receive!