He Is Real

The past few months have been trying for me [and my honey]. In June, the boys started school. This meant that my hours were sliced in more than just half. They went from 45 to 20. While I knew this was coming, I had no luck finding another job.

With no other choice, my sweet, amazingly wonderful boyfriend said that he would take care of me for the two months that the kiddos were in their summer program for, and I would find a job by then. Well, those two months have come and gone.

August rolled around, I had been on a few interviews, and unfortunately the cards were never dealt in my favor. Luckily, I had four weeks that the boys were out of school, and was able to bump back up to full time.

-Week one, I needed to have surgery

-Week two, I had a blow out and had to buy new tires [goodbye $400 for TWO tires]

-Week three, playing catch up from the previous 2.5 months

-Week four, still playing catch up and our Labor Day trip [$$$]

Other miscellaneous issues included having my wound reopen and having to drive back and fourth over an hour to the hospital where I had surgery, registrations and inspections went out on both vehicles, and a plethora of other expensive curve balls that life throws at us all. Raymond was out of work last week with a toothache, rent is due this week, and I just dropped almost $100 at the Vet.

There I sat, upset, sad, confused, angry and asking why? Why can't I find a job? Why can't we finally just be comfortable? When will the struggle stop? After many days and nights of silent prayers, an entire day filled with back-to-back annoyances and issues for Raymond, I lost it.

Right now I'm feeling like things can't get worse. Now, I know they always could, but everything is so overwhelming right now. I'm ready for things to get back to normal and to finally stop struggling.

These are the times that I really am thankful that I decided to explore my faith and see what was out there. Nothing can overcome His power. He has a plan. He is good. He is real.

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Now What?

If you read along regularly (thank you, so so much!), then you know that I am on a journey to finding my faith. Before I could write about my struggles, doubts, and questions, it took me a long time to find the correct words. Heck, I was sharing some of my deepest thoughts with you all... that's scary! Of course, after I hit publish and there was no turning back, the weight of world had been lifted from my shoulders. Then when the texts, messages, comments, tweets, etc. came rolling in, I felt like a new person. Your sweet and thoughtful words brought me to tears (of happiness of course).

Well, now that it has been a few weeks since I wrote that post, I have kind of felt like I am at a stand still. I put so much effort and thought into "how am I going to word this so that I can tell everyone how I feel?" I spent so much time wondering what the best way was to say every thing so that I wouldn't feel judged or looked at like I was crazy. Now that all of the time I would have spent worrying is free, I'm not sure where to go from there. How do I further my journey to finding what I'm looking for?

I don't feel like I am (or if I will ever be) ready to go to church. Is there something I should be reading? How does one learn about their faith without being born into a family with an already solidified religion? I want to find what I am searching for without losing who I am in the process. I don't want anything to be forced upon me, but to just come naturally. Maybe there is nothing I should be doing at all, other than simply just believing. So until I find what I am looking for, I'll just continue on with what I am doing... and that's praying.

I would love to hear any about any struggles/journies any of you have ever faced or are facing now. Inspiration can be found in anyone's story so I am all ears. With that, I will leave you with a song that is one of my favorites right now...

Live 31

Raymond and I started dating when I was 18, and he was 31. Yep, that's a 13 year difference. This guy I worked with saw us exchanging numbers and he came up to me and said "you know he's like 30 and 3 times your size, right?" Sounds like someone didn't want me to go out with him, huh? Well, I didn't have time for his jealousy and totally didn't even think anything of his comments. We didn't find out until our first date how old one another was. At first I was a little taken back, and I'm sure he needed a new pair of britches, badly. But  it's obvious what they say is true, 'age ain't nothin' but a number, baby', and we've been together ever since!

That being said, with such a huge age difference, we each had a lot to learn from one another. While I've never really had a "wild side", I will say that I was definitely in my prime of becoming an adult and experiencing pure freedom. I had a lot of growing as a person, and woman to do.

One thing that I noticed almost immediately, and has become one of the main things I love about Raymond, is the morals he has, and what he expects of a woman, of his woman. Not as in "woman prepare my dinner", but as in "woman respect yourself enough to make others want what we have." I love this quality about him because it let's me know that he respects me as a person, his girlfriend, and expects me to do the same of myself. To be honest, I never really cared what anyone thought about me. I live the way I want to live and that's that. Nobody's opinion of me is going to alter that. Of course, I still slightly believe this, but now, I live with my head held high and my morals even higher.

I do believe that people can change other people and after living/being with/around someone for an amount of time, you start to believe in the things they believe, or else you probably wouldn't get along very well. While I wont say that Raymond has changed me completely, he has definitely taught me and changed me in ways that I am thankful for. And I hope that I am and will always be a woman he is proud to call his.

The point of me telling you all of this, is because the other day I was reading Ruthie's blog and she had done a post on being a Proverbs 31 Woman, which you can check out here. Now, I will be the first person to tell you that I really am not religious at all. I grew up as a child knowing nothing about God other than he is some man in the sky. Haha! My parents never pushed any beliefs on me, whether it be believing in Him or not. That was left up for me to find out and explore on my own if I ever felt the need or want. I am so thankful I was brought up this way, because to me, I don't want to be persuaded by anybody's beliefs other than my own. I want the reason I believe in something to come from my own heart and my own mind rather than my parents telling me it's true 'cause their parents said so. (Not that there is anything wrong with growing up with parents teaching their kiddos that their is or isn't, I just am happy with the way I was raised.) Back to the point, after I read Ruthie's post and watched the video submitted from Live 31, I completely related to it. I felt pulled in and wanted to learn more about it.

Like I said before, I am not in any sort religious. For the past few years now I have worked on myself as a person and woman to become something I believe my family and one-day husband will be proud of. Some times I felt unsure of what was right or wrong, what was good or bad, what was proper or not, but this video has given me some extra light and ensured that I am on the right path with who I want to become in this life.

I challenge you all, believers or not, to just view the video. It really is touching, and meaningful, and could possibly help you realize who you want to become!